Thank goodness for new beginnings. Today was a fresh start for me.
Earlier I called my mom and she heard crying in the background. It was Rachel Marie, who was hungry, but she thought it was Madeline. "Is Maddy okay?" she asked.
I burst into tears. "Probably not. Not after the way I treated her yesterday." I then told my mom about the poop-on-the-floor incident (see my previous blog if you want the dirty details) and my mom, like always, offered me support and encouragement.
"You're a great mom. Every mom loses it sometimes. Being a good parent is a tough, tough job. You need to cut yourself some slack."
"But I don't remember you ever losing it," I said.
"Exactly, and Madeline probably won't remember you losing it either. I had a terrible temper."
"But you're so calm now. You always seem so at peace."
"That comes with age and a lot of prayer."
"Mom, I was so scared by my rage. I could have hurt her," I whispered.
"But you didn't," she said, "and sometimes it's good to be scared. Maybe God wants you to need him more."
Is it any wonder I feel like a less-than-perfect mom when my own mom is someone like that? Her wisdom is profound and she helps me in my own mothering journey nearly every day.
I do need God. Perhaps I'd become too complacent, too self-righteous. But I need him more than ever.
Today was a good day. Madeline and I did a craft together. She still complained about her bottom hurting and was constantly asking me to play with her. I didn't always oblige, but I tried to hug her more and make silly voices to incite giggles.
This afternoon we visited the Atlanta Botanical Gardens with a friend. I forgot to bring Madeline a snack and my friend came to the rescue with a pile of Goldfish. "I didn't use to be like this," I told my friend.
"So forgetful. I used to be so Type A. Now I forget snacks and can't keep anything straight."
"You're too hard on yourself. The only reason I have so many snacks with me is because I never clean my car. Look at it. You can tell I've never been Type A," she laughed.
I laughed, too. "Okay, enough of the self-flagellation!"
It's time to move forward and to stop beating myself up. It's time to love my kids the best I can even when they're not acting lovable. It's time to humble myself before Christ and ask him for help. Maybe that really is why I hit an all-time mommy low yesterday. It's just like my mom said: Maybe God wants me to need him more.